A rather rough soft landing

Soul-lag

29 July 20263 min

What a few weeks this has been. I've landed in Vancouver.. at least a part of me. People ask me if I'm jetlagged. And I obviously am, walking around half awake, half shattered, inhaling impressions of a life I have not been living in a few years.

My last 1.5 years I've spent entirely in the remote countryside of Tuscany, connecting with parts of myself I didn't even know existed. Finding love in community, in myself, in nature - everything I asked for came through in a way I could not have foreseen.

And now we're in the heart of Vancouver. Not that we're not riding the waves of synchronicity: I met a descendent of George Vancouver just a week before coming here and the numbers keep doing their thing, even though not as much as the week in the Netherlands before.

So now I'm here, trying to make sense of my own experience. Infinitely grateful for my friends here who picked me up, introduced me to their conscious group of super lovely bubbly people, showing me around their town, hosting me in their gorgeous house, and yet I do not feel like I have arrived anywhere. My system is everywhere, I'm dancing, crying, writing, asking God for guidance and I feel like I lost my path. According to some, that's the point where you're on.

I don't know anything anymore. The company I've been building does not seem to make sense anymore. My heart is telling me to go in an entirely different direction, follow a feeling so deep that I have never experienced it before. Torn apart and lid up at the same time and I don't know if I'm running an ancestral script, deep wounds, or if it's actually more. A feeling I knew existed but never so deeply, out of the blue, how did that happen?

Big questions of life. Listening to songs and suddenly realising so many more walked this path before me and felt the same.

I hear truth. I can't always recall it. And when I'm about to take action my mind goes blank. My system feels shut and a frequency doctor I visited today confirmed exactly that.

What do I do? Do I hide in this blog, in poetry? I want to build, express, live. I feel like I'm failing as a man, with a big desire to provide for myself, my tribe, my future family.

Energetically I can tune into that reality. Is that what I'm here to do? I really do not know. Should I even share it? I really don't know. I'm afraid: Afraid of opening myself up.. to myself.. to life.. to a special person. I don't even know how that really works.

City lights, lonely nights, busy vibes, System shut, in a hut, somewhere lush, Inner calm, inner storm, why the rush, Running away, letting in, many lives. Contrasts dividing a place, Outcasts colliding in a race, Thoughts of the past providing a base, Sought for what lasts confined in a mace. Where's my path, searching for a past, Asking for a future, ending the torture, Is there anything at last, On point like an archer?

Alchemy sounds like a distant dream. I felt it working, I feel it working. Life still asks for release, for grief, for deep deep grief and forgiveness. For acceptance of a little man that has been sitting in there for a long time who never knew how it was supposed to be done.

Give yourselves a hug. Sit with it all.

The light is always coming back.